Ok, yeah, I know it, that it's been almost a year since my last post, but fuck it, who has time to post a blog when you are struggling with life? LOL, WELL, let's just say that a few weeks ago I LOST that struggle, and ended up in, are you ready for this? THE PSYCHIATRIC WARD of the Royal Jubilee Hospital. I know, I know....I am NOT crazy, simply struggling with depression, something that has haunted me since I was close to 15. Earlier on it seemed that I managed to cope with it, and just struggle through it all, and it would go away, but now that I am older, it seems that it "settles in" for a much longer time. It also seems to be influenced somewhat by the seasons, hence the cyclic pattern of depression. I do just fine in the spring and summer, but come fall/winter, it is like living in a dark tunnel. It's amazing how your mindset can make so great an influence in your life, no matter what good thing happened to me, if I am in the middle of a depressive episode, it does not matter. I would feel happiness for a while, but it would be fleeting. I think the funniest thing is that with all my medical training etc, I did not notice the obvious signs within myself, but then any doctor/nurse is their own worse enemy. People in the Medical field are the WORST people to diagnose themselves, so I plead that excuse, lol. In any case, I am now dealing with it all, my bad childhood, my self-esteem problem etc...it has all come to a head and I NEED to deal with this now, and get it under control, or suffer the rest of my life with depression and possible suicide.
I am in the hospital right now, and yeah, the worst thing about it is the whole stigma attached to anything "mental". I remember bringing people to these types of wings when I was a Paramedic, and well, to be honest I never really thought much about it. I remember looking at the people that were there, and wondering what their stories were. What happened in their lives to bring them to this place, and what would help to get them out and back into the rest of society. Living on the inside looking out now has given me a different perspective, if not more compassion and understanding for those with "mental illness". I am still not certain as to what label to give myself, am I mentally ill, or simply at a turning/breaking point in my life? No matter what, it IS a turning point in my life, I have been given a second chance, by fate, and by the man I love, and NOTHING is going to stop me from getting better, and moving foreword for my own, and our future. This time has allowed me to really do some soul searching, and to help release a lot of stuff I was holding deep inside from a very early age. The anger towards my Father for beating me as a child, and never acknowledging the fact he did it, or apologizing. My Mother for not stopping it the first time it happened, and for allowing it to take place at all. There is SO much stuff that I tortured myself about also, stuff that I can no longer carry with me, never feeling worthy, of always feeling second best, this all stems back to when I was younger, and hating myself for what happened, and who I was. Enough of that, how can I live in the present, and plan for my future when I am tied to my pain and sorrow from the past like an anchor. I cannot, and will not allow it to effect me again.
Coming to Victoria has been hard, but it has also forced me to change, something that may not have happened if I would have stayed in Saskatoon. It has been a very hard year for me, but also one of great joy and promise, so now all I can do is keep working at myself, and making my life something of joy instead of sadness. SO YEAH, the people that I am here with are insane, lol...let me tell you, one of my roommates thinks he is Harry Potter, and does all these little spells etc before he eats etc, most of the people are harmless of course, I am in a "open" ward, and I can come and go if I want, but on the OTHER side of us, is LOCK DOWN.
I am in the hospital right now, and yeah, the worst thing about it is the whole stigma attached to anything "mental". I remember bringing people to these types of wings when I was a Paramedic, and well, to be honest I never really thought much about it. I remember looking at the people that were there, and wondering what their stories were. What happened in their lives to bring them to this place, and what would help to get them out and back into the rest of society. Living on the inside looking out now has given me a different perspective, if not more compassion and understanding for those with "mental illness". I am still not certain as to what label to give myself, am I mentally ill, or simply at a turning/breaking point in my life? No matter what, it IS a turning point in my life, I have been given a second chance, by fate, and by the man I love, and NOTHING is going to stop me from getting better, and moving foreword for my own, and our future. This time has allowed me to really do some soul searching, and to help release a lot of stuff I was holding deep inside from a very early age. The anger towards my Father for beating me as a child, and never acknowledging the fact he did it, or apologizing. My Mother for not stopping it the first time it happened, and for allowing it to take place at all. There is SO much stuff that I tortured myself about also, stuff that I can no longer carry with me, never feeling worthy, of always feeling second best, this all stems back to when I was younger, and hating myself for what happened, and who I was. Enough of that, how can I live in the present, and plan for my future when I am tied to my pain and sorrow from the past like an anchor. I cannot, and will not allow it to effect me again.
Coming to Victoria has been hard, but it has also forced me to change, something that may not have happened if I would have stayed in Saskatoon. It has been a very hard year for me, but also one of great joy and promise, so now all I can do is keep working at myself, and making my life something of joy instead of sadness. SO YEAH, the people that I am here with are insane, lol...let me tell you, one of my roommates thinks he is Harry Potter, and does all these little spells etc before he eats etc, most of the people are harmless of course, I am in a "open" ward, and I can come and go if I want, but on the OTHER side of us, is LOCK DOWN.
In the basement is the shock therapy area, where you go have a nap, and then wake up with no memory, in fact one girl I was talking with this evening goes there on a regular basis, and she cannot remember the LAST TWO YEARS at all. She has just got out of lock down actually, and moved into our ward, she was picked up last week by the police. She walked half way across the city in her pyjamas and socks, people called in and reported her. In any case, there are a lot of people in here that are way worse off than I am.
There is even a guy in here who wasted his life away, addicted to cocaine since the 70's and was a heavy crack user for the last few years, but get this, I guess he is some kind of lighting genius, IF there is such a title. He has worked for people like Radiohead, Rob Zombie, AC/DC etc....and let me tell you, he DOES have the UBER MULLET to prove it. LOL the first time I saw him I was like "WHAT THE FUCK is on that dude's head!??" LOL I STILL think that if I throw like a cracker or something on top of his head whatever it is will eat it! Then last week I had it out with a guy who came into the "quiet room" the place where I am usually, simply because it is a separate room with the ONLY computer and one of the two tv's in it. I have designated it "Vad's Domain" so yeah, most of them are scared of me, and leave me well alone, BUT THIS FUCKER had the balls to come in and when I was on the computer take control of the TV. THEN for half an hour he changes the channels OVER AND OVER again, way worse than my Dad or Brother ever were. So I turned to him and simply said "IF you don't find a program to watch in the next few minutes, and LEAVE it on that channel, I am gonna kick you out of here." LOL!! So needless to say, I have not seen him in my special room since then. EVEN in the most insane places, I manage to find some fun.
This week I am supposed to be discharged, and I feel it's a double-edged sword of some type. I really want to get out of here, but it's almost a "secure" place to be if that makes any logical sense. Three meals a day, and a place to sleep etc....almost like living at home again, without your parents, LOL YEAH!! One good thing about it all is that it has once again allowed me to focus on me, and really work on what I want etc. I have been able to make it to the gym each day, and I must say that I am looking really good. Brad loves it anyway, lol...but he loved me months ago. SOOOO...this is what's going on right now, I'll keep you all posted and updated as to my progress etc. Take care to everyone, and for those that have been there with and for me through all this, thank you so much, my love and thanks goes out to you. It's almost time for us to goto sleep.....take care everyone.
